When your mind changes, life changes. Readjusting...

Happy Spring everyone =]

     I'm gonna try to make this one short and sweet. I'm tired.
     I was recently thinking back to a conversation that I had with someone about 3 years ago. He was bragging to me about some of his questionable behavior, trying to provoke jealousy in me. My reaction to him, however, wasn't jealousy. I actually felt sorry for him. My reply to him was just telling him that I'm sorry that he made this choice. I also was aware that he had no one else in his life that would hold him accountable for his actions, or giving him any sort of advice containing any wisdom. So I felt a strong sense of obligation to keep this conversation going and not to blow him off simply because I was disgusted by his behavior. I remember saying to him "I just want you to think about the fact that your decisions will catch up to you one day. That's all." His response struck me so strongly.. "Not today," as he laughed.
     He was probably right. He probably didnt suffer any sort of major consequences that day for his actions. He probably didnt lose too much, or feel any strong sense of remorse, and most likely slept just fine that night. But I do know that "not todays" add up.  And that lost time will find you. I know that being "young, wild and free" will get you no where but old, broke and alone. That's all I have to say about this. I think I made my point. (Hebrews 12:6a, Because the Lord disciplines those he loves...)
     Something else I have been thinking about these last few weeks... which really has nothing to do with my first topic.. When your mind changes, LIFE changes. My mind changed. And my heart went right along with it. I feel so completely... different. I still cant seem to verbalize my emotions in a way that makes sense. The closest I've gotten, I guess, is I'm readjusting. I've been so used to feeling and thinking a certian way for the last 4 years of my life... my ENTIRE adult life, that feeling/thinking a completely new way is very different to me. I'm learning how to just be myself again and being ok with myself again. Everything's just going ok =] I'm happy. I feel peace.

"By the grace of God I am what I am and His grace to me was not without effect." -1 Cor. 15:20


PS. I always pray that you find Life...that you experience what its really like to feel alive. Even when it kills me.
   

No title.

I don't consider myself to be an insensative person. In fact, I do have a heart for people. I just don't have a whole lot of tolerance for them. If you can wrap your mind around that.

The year is almost over, and one thing that I have learned by personal experience this year is that when God places a love in your heart for someone, no matter what we do, or how hard we try to distract ourselves with other things (or people) in life, it just doesn't go away. And instead of trying to ignore it, we need to find a healthy way to channel that love. A way that is good for the people on both ends of that love, the recipient, as well as our own self.

Forgiveness is a part of love. And until recently, I had absolutely no clue what it really meant to forgive someone. Someone painted the clearest picture for me this year as to what it means to forgive someone. He said, "If every day that you walked into my office, I stepped on your toe, the first couple of times you may let it go. But eventually you would get fed up with it. As a friend, you would probably still come visit, but you would set a boundary as to how close you allow me to get to you. You would have forgiven and released me from the offense, but now our friendship has new boundaries, so that you may protect yourself from getting hurt again." As silly as the story is, it made so much sense to me. I have a particular person in my life that I really needed to forgive, and direction on how to channel the love I have for them. Awesome.

Onnn another note, "you do not wake up one morning a bad person. It happens by a thousand tiny surrenders of self-respect to self-interest" (Robert Brault). And I believe that everyone's life is an accumulation of the decisions that they have made. (Of course, there are the exceptions of unfortunate situations where people are victimized, but that's not what I am referring to.) I have discovered that you can keep running, running and running... you will eventually exhaust yourself. You're running from a patient God that doesn't tire. And He will keep sitting you down, sitting you down, and sitting you down until you finally can't get back up, and you turn back to Him. Whether He sits your butt down broke, in a bed sick an miserable, alone in life, or in jail, He will sit you down. And it's so sad to me to watch people, whom I care so much about, keep running from that truth and self destruct. And I am a firm believer that everyone needs someone to give a crap about them. I still care, and I always will.  Sometimes, I think that we are afraid of rising up and being all that we can be, what we were destined to be. Because if we become that, when we mess up or if we were to fail, it feels like a much higher fall than if we had just stayed where we were, or at our bottom. Nelson Mandela said it like this, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Dig it.

"No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and His love is brought to full expression in us." -1 John 4:12

Anyway, to those of you who have made it through this entire entry, and haven't fallen asleep and started drooling on their desks, my apologies for being so all over the place... just a bunch of random thoughts that have been going through my head.

Guilty, until proven innocent.

I read something the other day that struck me...

"So congratulations, you made a girl who was up for anything, who could handle anything, break down. You made her afraid to love, keep her walls up & never let anyone in. You made her strong, but too strong, she'll never love that way again."

^I think that when I read this, it struck me so much because it put into words everything that I have been dealing with this year. I have always found it very difficult to trust people... I look back, and I see that every friend I allowed my self to 'trust' (as few as there have been) is no longer in my life. Am I placing my trust in the wrong people? Or are these people... just people... and being wreckless with my trust? Can you really trust ANYONE?

Bob Marley said this, "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." I look at that and it raises more questions in my head. Is there anyone really worth suffering for? Do people really need people? I have always thought I could make it on my own. That I would just be so much better off just living my life, keeping everyone at an arms distance. Like, "this is my bubble, you stay out there, I'm good here." And then, I spent a year on the other side of the country, on my own. I was alone. Be careful what you wish for.

Then I fell in love, and two years later, I got married. If you know me at all, you know how I feel about marriage. I dont believe there is anything in this world that is more sacred than marriage. The trust, and pure love and commitment that it takes to look at another human being and honestly say that you will love them forever, no matter what life throws your way, must be unbreakable. Trust.

I always said that when I would only ever be married once in my life. I was going to get married, stay married, and be the best wife and mother this world has ever seen. Well, needless to say, I didnt know him as well as I thought I did. I dont think I knew myself as well as I thought I did. When addiction came into play, it affected our marriage. Ultimate trust was broken. I have never experienced anything so heart wrenchingly painful in my entire life. I consider it a true miracle that I have come this far today.

I have arrived at a conclusion that I was shocked to come upon. I have absolutely no ability whatsoever, to discern someone's character. If I lack this ability, then who do I know who to trust? The answer is simple... I dont. At all. Nada.

I was deeply concerned about this. It has been bothering me for months. Then finally, I asked God about it... He showed me this!

1 Corinthians 4,

"This is how one should regard us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found trustworthy. But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God. "

So, I have to trust in THE Judge. He knows me, and everyone else for exactly who they are, and who they are becoming. He knows who I am compatible with, and who will just work my nerves. He knows who will be in my life forever, and who will only be in my life for a season. He is the ultimate judge of character. He knows who I can trust, and who is "worth suffering for."

I feel better.

2/15/11 @ 12:13am

I wrote this back in February, after working all day on Valentine's Day. I was a cashier at Walmart at the time. I went home and couldn't stop thinking about my day, and was pretty restless. So, this is what came of it. I posted this as a note on Facebook, but thought I'd put it up here as well... So, here ya go:

A customer told me today, as he was buying roses for his wife, that they have been married for 53 years. I couldnt help but reply, "Wow, 53 years. Thats amazing!" After he walked away, I was left in my thoughts. WHY is it so amazing that a couple would still be together after so long, that a couple has ACTUALLY kept their promises, their vows to each other? I wondered why so many more marriages lasted back in the old days... How come when I look at old couples, I get jealous, because they seem SO in love still, but when I see younger (30s or younger) couples, it makes love look so unattractive, because they dont even seem to LIKE each other anymore... and the relationship is still "new".
I think back in the old days... they knew better than to waste any time, or to let love slip away. They knew and know what it means to cherish. To cherish your love and every moment of it. How special it is. They knew and know that it takes two, and that relationships take more and are ABOUT more than physical attraction, sex, and how good the other person makes you feel about yourself. There were no hand-outs back in those days, they knew how to WORK FOR and AT what they have and want. There were no songs by crazy overdone trainwreck celebrities trying to define love for you in one song and in the next telling you its "ok" to give yourself to a stranger for one night. They had this,
1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Even though not every couple that has been married for 53+ years is a Christian and will quote scripture when they tell you how they love their spouse... I believe they would tell you something along those lines. The definition of love seems to have changed over the years in society. Its been distorted... and thats too bad.
These couples, the 53+ years ones, they know something in the deepest parts of who they are and where they come from, that we dont. We can learn a thing or two from them I think.

I wanna be like this nice old man that I met today. I wanna be able to tell my cashier, as I am still procrastinating and buying my Valentine a last minute gift 50 some years from now, "We've been married 53 years!".
Can you imagine? Wow.
Jesus help me to love for real, and help me to recieve real love.

First entry... bare with me, love.

Well well well.
 I feel like a blog has been calling my name for months now, I suppose I have finally given in. I'm not even sure who, if anyone, will actually read this. But either way, I feel like it's a good thing to write. I feel like writing is a beautiful form of art, one of many, in which I gave up a long time ago. And in any case, its therapeutic. And the good Lord knows, we could all use a little therapy now and then ;)

I feel as if I have something to offer. I've been around, you know... up, down, sideways and backwards. And I feel as if, for once in my life.. at a consistant rate... I am heading the right direction. And thats worth writing about. I think that someone can learn something from my experiences, even if its just one. However, I know that I have a lot to learn, and for once, I am teachable.

SO, I'll try not to ramble too much, but I can't make any promises haha.

To those who plan to read what I have to say... maybe even analyze... criticize... Well :), thank you for hearing me out.

"But by the grace of GOD I am what I am and his grace to me was not without effect." -1 Corinthians 15:10a