"So congratulations, you made a girl who was up for anything, who could handle anything, break down. You made her afraid to love, keep her walls up & never let anyone in. You made her strong, but too strong, she'll never love that way again."
^I think that when I read this, it struck me so much because it put into words everything that I have been dealing with this year. I have always found it very difficult to trust people... I look back, and I see that every friend I allowed my self to 'trust' (as few as there have been) is no longer in my life. Am I placing my trust in the wrong people? Or are these people... just people... and being wreckless with my trust? Can you really trust ANYONE?
Bob Marley said this, "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." I look at that and it raises more questions in my head. Is there anyone really worth suffering for? Do people really need people? I have always thought I could make it on my own. That I would just be so much better off just living my life, keeping everyone at an arms distance. Like, "this is my bubble, you stay out there, I'm good here." And then, I spent a year on the other side of the country, on my own. I was alone. Be careful what you wish for.
Then I fell in love, and two years later, I got married. If you know me at all, you know how I feel about marriage. I dont believe there is anything in this world that is more sacred than marriage. The trust, and pure love and commitment that it takes to look at another human being and honestly say that you will love them forever, no matter what life throws your way, must be unbreakable. Trust.
I always said that when I would only ever be married once in my life. I was going to get married, stay married, and be the best wife and mother this world has ever seen. Well, needless to say, I didnt know him as well as I thought I did. I dont think I knew myself as well as I thought I did. When addiction came into play, it affected our marriage. Ultimate trust was broken. I have never experienced anything so heart wrenchingly painful in my entire life. I consider it a true miracle that I have come this far today.
I have arrived at a conclusion that I was shocked to come upon. I have absolutely no ability whatsoever, to discern someone's character. If I lack this ability, then who do I know who to trust? The answer is simple... I dont. At all. Nada.
I was deeply concerned about this. It has been bothering me for months. Then finally, I asked God about it... He showed me this!
1 Corinthians 4,
"This is how one should regard us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found trustworthy. But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God. "
So, I have to trust in THE Judge. He knows me, and everyone else for exactly who they are, and who they are becoming. He knows who I am compatible with, and who will just work my nerves. He knows who will be in my life forever, and who will only be in my life for a season. He is the ultimate judge of character. He knows who I can trust, and who is "worth suffering for."
I feel better.
